Whenever I need to learn something in my life, the LORD (yes, I said the LORD) seems to put things into "themes" so I will see a definite pattern, and realize this is something He wants me to focus on. Lately, the theme that has been hitting me over the head is the theme of "cycles"....bad "cycles" that have been repeated in the past, and some cycles that are currently happening that must be stopped if I am to live out my God-ordained destiny. A few weeks ago, I was talking to a friend, and I told her, "I feel like I'm stuck"...and what I was referring to was feeling like, subconsciously--and without knowing exactly why--I keep repeating these behaviors in my life over and over and over. Much like the movie, Groundhog Day (which I also just watched again recently), I repeatedly "wake up" (metaphorically speaking) in the same situations....bad relationships, dieting then gaining weight, unfinished projects, the list goes on and on....
I'm convinced that the only way to break these cycles is to seek the LORD and give my life to him every day. Because my own willpower and my own influence on life is what takes me back through the cycles again. It's a paradox, because ultimately, I'm the one that makes the choice to give it to God...ultimately, it comes down to making a choice....a "long obedience in the same direction (Eugene Peterson)." And, after putting my hand on a hot stove so many times, I am learning that the pain is not worth having my own way!
I have recently come to the conclusion that what I see as God's destiny for me may not be what I think it will look like at all. Thus, when I exert my will upon a situation, and decide to work things in my time, not God's time, ignoring that still small voice in my soul, because I want what I want when I want it, the situation inevitably turns out less than desirable.
What I must do is give up any notion of what I think the outcome of my life might be, and totally yield myself to God, like a reed in the wind, bending, and sometimes even lying low on the ground, but knowing that He will always pick me back up again. Yes, I must do something, and I'm not saying that I have to put all my dreams in the garbage and consider them null and void. NO! God says to take delight in HIM and he will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). But think about it, if I am my delight is in HIM, then what is the desire of my heart? To know him better...and as I know him better...my life tends to work like all of God's other creation...ultimately receiving everything in the exact moment it is needed.